There is still Love for Liana

Today, I’ve been so lazy.. When I got up, I know that there are so many missed calls in my phone.. It’s just, I want to take my time to meet Him first.. So, I ignored all the calls..

After I finished with my time praying and reading my bible.. Even with my quiet time with Him.. I just realized, that it’s almost 2 hours for me finishing all those stuffs..

After that, my nanny keeps calling me.. And I’m still ignoring her.. I want to clean up my room first.. Because I’m afraid that I have to spend many times with my nanny.. And I don’t have time to do any other things..

Now, after buying my lunch.. I’m ready for hearing my nanny.. Even if it will be my whole day.. But, when I’m calling her, no one’s pick up the phone.. I’m start thinking that maybe she’s angry with me.. Since I’ve been ignoring her..

Then, my brother calls me.. He says that the cancer had already at high stadium.. There’re only 2 ways left. First, take the kemo or get injections.. The issue is the fee is very high.. But for me the issue isn’t that.. For me, money won’t never be an issue.. My Father is a provider, what should I worry about? I just answer my brother that let’s see what will happen..

Not long after that, my nanny calls me.. She tells me everything like my bro had told me.. And, when she asks for my opinion.. Suddenly I feel this urge inside me.. And trust me, before I know what’s happen.. I say this.. You have one more choice.. What? It just need a week if you really do this, and maybe you will experience a miracle..

Release everything that you’re still holding on until now.. Let it free for the sake of yourself.. And I remind her of my niece and nephew.. Suddenly, she bursts in tears.. She admits that she can’t forget them.. I tell her that we won’t forget everything that had been done in our life..

And she says that she had been with them since they were born.. She knew that she can’t hold things that won’t belong to her.. And I reply, it’s true that you will never have them.. Even their parent can’t have them.. They’re God’s children.. They belong to Him.. Will you fight with God for them?

I’m sorry if I’ve been too harsh to you.. It’s just.. Then she replies, “No no, you’re right.. Thanks for reminding me.. They’re not my right..”

When you remember them.. Let it be your moment to give thanks to God that He allows you to raise them with your hands.. And allow them to be happy and healthy with your cares.. We were born naked and we won’t bring anything when He calls for us.. Will you take this option?

The decision is on you.. It’s your choice to start releasing and forgiving.. Take your quiet time with God, and He will reveal everything to You.. Trust me, if you can just focus on Him for this week.. You can experience an miracle.. Even it’s not easy, but you can try your best and God will do the rest..

She promises me that she will do that..

Father, I know it’s not me.. It’s Your Holy Spirit that controls my mouth, Lord.. Thanks for everything.. I’ve done my portion, and I’ll wait for Your portion to be done in my nanny’s life.. Let all the glory be to God alone.. Thank You..

Today, my nanny calls me.. The check up result is come out.. And it said that my nanny has a cancer in her womb..

I stunned for a moment.. Not believing of what I’ve heard.. My nanny keeps telling me that she won’t worry about this.. And tomorrow she will visit another doctor for further treatments she needs..

When I ask her if she wants to return to his family.. My nanny keeps telling me that she won’t come back to her son and live together with them.. She thinks that her son had already been happy with his new family and a baby just had been born.. So she doesn’t want to make his son’s family to worry about her..

At last, I tell her that if she’s willing to ask for God’s healing.. Never doubt Him.. If you want to trust Him, then trust Him wholly.. He won’t let you down in deep desperately.. He have His plans and we never know it until He make it happens in our life..

Tonight, I’m just like a kid with blank minds.. I’m doing everything but it seems like I’m just doing nothing this night.. Until I remember my prayers all the time.. That He will let me to make them (my parents and nanny) happy in their old age.. I ask for the fullfilments of my prayers.. I cry and I don’t know what should I do.. I call Him but I never know whether He hears me or not..

But, I know.. He reminds me this scripture.. This scripture just come out of nowhere.. I remembered it suddenly.. Psalm 37:4-5

“Be happy with the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.”
Psalm 37:4-5 ~ God’s Word Translation

I believe You, Lord.. That You have prepared big plans for my nanny.. I know everything will be okay.. Since, I do believe that You are good.. Forever, You are good.. Thanks God, that You make me able to encourage my nanny.. It’s just because of You and Your Holy Spirit..

Today, I meet this little boy again, the one I’d described here in Sunday school.. When I see him, he’s kinda behave somehow.. I feel so weird at first but then I know that the leader of my division had taken care of this boy..

Actually, they came after I discuss his attitude with them.. I just want to know if there’s something should be done about him.. After a moment, and the boy quite behaves.. They tell me that maybe this boy have some kind of mild autism.. But, he doesn’t need to be as a kid with special needs.. I still can take care of him..

Then as long as the class takes place.. I give almost all my attention to this boy.. When he calms down, I talk to him.. He likes to share anyway.. So I ask him about what he likes.. What he used to do at home.. He tells me that he has a brother overseas and he has a big dog.. He usually takes care of the dog and the dog always protect him.. and he also tells me that he had traveled overseas and bought some stuffs.. And many things..

Then he wants me not to hold him again.. I whisper to him, then you should be a good boy.. Don’t run around and disturb your friends, okay.. He says ok, and I trust him.. Although, there’s time that he starts to quarrel again with his friends.. But, I just whisper in his ears.. “I keep your promise”.. And believe it or not, he calms down at once.. He starts to blend in with others in the class.. He just looks so cute, and I’m so happy with this improvement..

It’s time to do an activity.. All the children have to write down their wishes in papers, and we will unite all the papers to be a long chain.. He says that he wants to write something, I let him go after he promises me that he’ll be good.. At first, he writes bad things about his friend in the paper.. I keep telling him to write good things so that he can give it to his parents.. After some papers, actually he writes this, “I will be good”.. Wew, can’t believe it.. He writes it, even I never ask him to write it.. And when I say that he have to give it to his parents, he’s so exciting about that.. “I will, I will”.. I still can hear his voice of excitement that time..

Then, it’s time for going home.. Parents should be the one responsible in getting their child back.. I’m a bit curious about his parents.. And, I just feel very sorry about his father..

When I remind him to give the paper to his dad.. His dad just give him a second to see the paper, another second to say ‘good’.. And then, he’s back to his blackberry.. And kinda abandon this cute boy.. I feel very sorry for this little boy.. Why parents can ignore their own child like that.. Blackberry is more important than the one given to him from God.. Anyway, I believe God will protect this boy, that I know this boy is a good, very good boy.. He just need more attentions, more love, more time together with his parents..

Thanks God for this little kid.. That you’ve make me realized that I can handle this unique kind of kid.. I’m so honored that You’ve given me the opportunity.. Thanks for the courage and love, that I can deliver it to him.. Father, let me be like who You want me to be.. Is this really my passion? I enjoy doing this rather than have to sing or share in front of many children.. I believe, no kid is a bad kid.. They just want our attentions, they needs more love.. Tell me more about this, Lord.. Thank You..

I know a boy, little boy in his 6 or 7 years old. He’s quite eye catching for us teachers and the other children.. It’s because of him who keeps running around even when the class had already started.

Today, our class is quite small with not more than 20 kids.. So, the appearance of this boy can be said that it’s more disturbing than before..

To the point that he even spits, hits, pokes the other children.. Even the older girls also afraid of him.. So, there are loud voices of girls and his roars all over the place.. The situation is in a mess..

Actually, at first I think that it’s just them trying to play together.. But, the thing just don’t go like what I’ve imagined.. The boy becomes wild.. To the point that I should grab him and try to make him calm down..

Of course he resists, he pinched me, he scratched my hands,  hit, kicked me with all his energy.. He even spit on me.. Along with the loud roars all the time.. I hold both of his hands and see him with compassion.. I try to chat with him, but I fail..

I want to guide him, but he declines.. And keep spitting, sometimes even laughing..  Maybe he thinks that he’s successfully make me mad..

In my side, I just see him most of the time.. I just need him to be calm and keep saying that he’s a good boy.. I don’t bother with the kicks and hits.. It just leaves me scratches and bruises.. It seems like I’m a victim of violence hahaa..

I know he’s lonely.. I know he’s just looking for our attentions.. He needs love.. If I’m not mistaken here.. I feel that I was in his place once in my lifetime.. When you think that nobody knows you, nobody cares for you.. And even worse, if you get hit every time you make a mistake..

For me,  I feel very sorry for this boy.. His mother is still pregnant and he has a little sister.. The sister tells my friend that his brother gets hit, gets yelled at everytime he makes a mistake.. I just can’t think of parents who can do such violence to their own kids.. But, I’m not here to judge people.. I haven’t know anything about his family though..

One thing I know, I want to handle this boy.. I want to do something for him.. Even I haven’t clear enough of what should I’ve done.. But, I want this boy knows that his Heavenly Father is love him more than he could ever imagine.. Although it’s become a bit difficult for a kid to know things like that..

At last, I release him.. After all the spits, hits, kicks me over and over again.. And my words can’t go through him.. I feel compassion for this little boy.. His body is so small, I’m afraid that maybe I hold his hands too tight.. Or I’ve done something bad to him..

Finally, after all the kids went home.. We decided to take a further actions about this boy.. If he can’t change his attitudes, we should hold him tight when class had started.. I want to be the one holding him.. I will get myself ready to do my job then.. Of course with my jacket on, so there will be no scratches again on my hands

Father, give me Your wisdom to handle this boy.. If this is what You want me to do.. Give me courage to deliver Your love to this boy..

Thanks God, for everything that happens around me.. I know You wanted me to learn about all these situations.. And more things I’ve learned, more wisdom I get from You.. Teach me Lord, thank You..

It’s been 4 weeks in a row that I could see him right there XD Thanks God.. It’s good to see that he’s doing good for You.. Would there be the fifth? :p *praying* :p

I know I can do more than this.. It’s like that I’m getting bored of what I’ve been doing until now >.< I admit that I’m a bit inefficient recently.. I suddenly think that there’s more I can do.. But I haven’t know what it is..

Maybe it’s just what others said as ‘stuck’.. That moment sometimes comes around, and it’s ok.. Just spare a few minutes alone and rest..

I quite like what I’ve been doing now.. Although I know that I won’t do this job for long time.. Since last year, I felt that my time here will finish.. But I can’t get precise whether it’s just for my job or also my living in this city? And I wasn’t sure enough if that’s just my imagination or God’s will..

Anyway, I should keep moving.. Balancing my life.. Searching for my passions.. Doing my best.. And of course, resting in Him.. After a day is over, I know my God is faithful.. After a moment had passed, I know I never out of His beautiful plans..

And if I still can breathe, it means that I still have things to do in this journey of life.. I’m sure that someday I know and live my life’s purposes.. Before coming back to my beloved Father..

Thanks my Father.. Liana is here, just because that You are my Father who loves me unconditionally..

Today, I’m watching a movie with my friend.. It’s a good movie and I’m enjoying the moment so much.. Recently, I felt that I’m starting to love meeting people.. These days, I have to meet someone new and made a deal with them.. It’s about another journey of selling things that I had described a bit in my previous post..

Today, after watching the movie.. In my way going home alone.. I don’t know if I’m really conscious in talking about this or not.. That feeling is coming again.. Lord, what’s missing in me? Do other people also feel the same like me? What do they have in their minds? What’s running in their heads? I’m still feel.. Incomplete.. It seems like there’s something I should do.. But I haven’t know what it is..

I thought everything is over after I released my forgiveness for my family.. And preparing myself to get Your blessings.. But..

Today, I feel so empty.. The moment I get alone, I’m blank.. I kept thinking of these.. What have I done until now? What’s missing in me? Is there anything that I haven’t offer to Him? Am I doing good, so far?

All of the questions that only my Father can answer.. I really want to know what is this feeling, exactly?

Now, I only know that I should be closer to Him, if I want my answer.. I don’t want to run again.. I just want to.. surrender to Him.. I never know how long my life would be.. I only know that my Father never leaves me nor forsakes me.. Although I had failed so many times.. Deep down in my heart, I just want to hear His voice.. I hope before I leave, God gives me grace to hear and chat with Him..

Thanks God, for Your love never fail..